Thanksgiving, of course. A day when you actually might not have to work, when you can stay at home with your family, make pancakes, read the paper, leisurely sip your morning coffee, watch some football later in the day, drink a beer in the middle of the afternoon. You know, like normal people, normal families, do on weekends. Those days are few and far between in the rabbinate.
People often say to me after the fall holidays “I hope you are resting up after the holidays, rabbi!” But I’ve learned that one of the busiest times of my year is from the END of the holidays to Thanksgiving. Suddenly the weddings begin (I’ve had one every Saturday night for the last month, another one Wednesday night before Thanksgiving). Unveilings, people trying to get them in before the real cold arrives. Meetings, delayed by the yom tov days, begin in earnest. All of the email you couldn’t keep up with during the holiday season you try to wade through. This year for me funerals as well (nine since Simhat Torah). Every year through the holiday season an extended stretch of working many days in a row. This year for me that stretch reached 42. But who is counting?
I worry about it, I really do. I worry first and foremost that my children’s main memory of their father as they grew up will be me walking down the stairs, leaving the house, saying ‘see you later,’ and the kids responding ‘bye, dad.’ And that is it. No games of catch. No kicking the soccer ball around. No watching football together on Sundays, or brunches making omelettes together, or raking leaves, or just getting in the car and going for a ride. Zip. Zero. Zilch. These experiences make up many of the fond memories I have of time spent with my dad while I was growing up, and I just wasn’t able to provide them for my own children. Deep regret there, no doubt about it.
I worry also about burnout. Heavy phrase, that. Sounds almost violent, destructive. But it also has a sense of hollowing, like what is done to a giant tree trunk to make a canoe. What you have left in the end from the outside looks good, strong, and stable. It even floats! Performs its mission with competence, as intended. But the inside is gone, nothing there but emptiness. A literal shell of its original form. I am often reminded of these lines from one of my favorite Hunter/Garcia compositions, called ‘Comes a Time’:
From day to day just letting it ride
You get so far away from how it feels inside
You can’t let go ’cause you’re afraid to fall
But the day may come when you can’t feel at all
I understand everything is a trade off. There are many professions where people work hard, long hours, high pressure jobs, no question about it. And I’ve been blessed professionally in many ways, serving a fabulous congregation, working with talented and caring people (fun people as well!). Making a good living (not to be underestimated!). My children have been able to grow up in one community, something that rabbi’s children rarely do, and I am enormously grateful for that. But a trade off is exactly what it implies – something gained, something lost. The question is, what is the price of that loss?
So thank goodness for Thanksgiving! An actual break in the never ending flow of dedicated time. A day to spend with people we love. A day to walk the dog under a fall sky, to watch the last leaves gently fall from the trees, to browse the paper, sip some coffee, watch some football, live life, and just think and be. Yes, a day like that. Even for a rabbi.
This the chorus of that Hunter/Garcia song:
Comes a time when the blind man takes your hand
Says, “Don’t you see?
Gotta make it somehow on the dreams you still believe
Don’t give it up, you got an empty cup
That only love can fill, only love can fill, only love can fill”