You know the second half of the phrase. You truly can’t hide, especially from yourself. Here is the unedited version of the Torah portion column that was published in today’s Baltimore Jewish Times. Their editors decided to cut out the section about Dave Mason and Traffic. The song ‘Feelin’ Alright’ appeared on Traffic’s eponymously titled 1968 album. Joe Cocker made the song famous with his hard driving version, recorded for his 1969 record ‘With a Little Help From My Friends.’ The original version by Traffic is more laid back, but it still has that distinctive shuffle. Give it a listen at this link: Traffic/Feelin Alright.
Deception is everywhere surrounding Jacob, a virtual dance of deception from which he cannot escape. He has been raised in a dysfunctional family, where his parents Isaac and Rebecca favor different children. He cannot trust his brother Esau, who is his rival for affection, power, and the ever illusive birthright and blessing. In the end, Jacob is trapped by the deception that surrounds him. Not in the sense that he is fooled. He is not, and in fact understands exactly what is going on around him. But rather in the sense the he begins to engage in it, and in the process he learns something about himself: he, too, is a master at deception.
Perhaps that is why Jacob flees from his parents’ home. It is true – Esau is angry with him, and he has lied to his father. But he could have worked through it with Rebecca’s help and his own cunning mind. There is, however, one thing Jacob cannot escape in the home of his birth – himself. He has taken a long, hard look in the mirror, and he does not like what he sees. There is an ugliness in his soul, a growing ease with the telling of lies and a growing power to manipulate others. He has been trapped by the continual deception of Isaac and Rebecca’s home because it has become his way of life, his method of interacting with the world.
So Jacob runs, hoping to escape the ugliness he sees in himself, wondering if he can recreate himself in a new place. Perhaps with a new start he can become a new person, more honest, truer to himself and to God. Some of you may remember the lyrics to the great Dave Mason song “Feelin’ Alright”: “Seems I got to have a change of scene; ‘Cause every night I have the strangest dreams; Imprisoned by the way it could have been; Left here on my own or so it seems; I got to leave before I start to scream…”
That is Jacob at the beginning of Parshat Ya’yeitzei. Alone, wrestling with his conscious, fleeing from what he experienced as the prison of Isaac and Rebecca’s home, dreaming of things untold, looking for a better place, and a better self. What he will learn in the course of his journey is that deception is everywhere. Laban’s home, where he will live for the next two decades, is also a place of deceit and cunning and lies. To survive there Jacob once again becomes the master deceiver.
So it always is. You cannot escape from yourself. A change of scene does not produce a change in values, personality, morals, or ethics. That only happens with serious self-reflection, with deep and committed work of the mind and soul, with an internal battle to conquer your worst predilections. So Jacob will ultimately wrestle the mysterious angel, at that moment finally coming to terms with who he is and who he wants to be. Only then can he return home a new man, leaving deception behind, finally prepared for an honest confrontation with the legacy he left behind.